Rejoice, give thanks, and praise.

I woke up with tears lurking, behind my cheekbones, filling up my sinuses, and making my face feel a little too tight. A little too heavy.

I spoke with my parents, me in my bed. They, prior to the Thanksgiving day service.

It was not enough. It never is.

But THAT is the joy in this holiday. 

What am I missing? A day of togetherness. Where we celebrate all we are thankful for.

Primarily, each other, the love we share, and all of our abundant blessings. 

I'm missing the pie and the long walk at the river with our dogs. The smells and the fresh air. The hugs, and the knowing that this day is reserved for us. 

The beautiful table and the feeling of complete joy and contentedness. No matter what else was going on in my life. School, post college, career crisis, heartbreak, illness, growing up. All of it, any of it.

I had this family, my family, and they are perfect. 

Abundant blessings. God given, over flowing, unbelievable blessings.

And no matter where I am, 

I am SO thankful for that. 

And for you. Mom, Dad, Brie. I love you so much.

Happy Thanksgiving. 

Hurdles

Steve and I took a walk down the mountain. 

Walk like this, he'd say.

Konsa, konsa, konsa, konsa.

He'd throw his arm around my shoulders. He'd grab my other hand and pull it around his neck, he'd sway his hips to the beat of the words.

Like this, like this, like this. Like this. 

Huge, gaping steps. Frog jumps.

Now, RUN! He'd exclaim. He'd grab my hand, and we'd run. Our breath coming in ragged gasps in the thin mountain air. The air cool on our damp skin, and the places that the sun touched burning.

We charged up the mountain. Galloping and skipping to steady ourselves. Hurdling our tiring limbs, feet pounding on the pavement. 

He'd come to an abrupt hault, and I could hear the air swishing around in his lungs as he took expectant and starving inhales.

Now sit. He'd pull me to the curb, interlock our arms, prop both his elbows on his knees and exclaim,

Look! Look at the beautiful view.

Gade, izabet. Belle terrain, wi?

And then up again. Tugging at my arm, sweaty fingers hanging on for dear life as we spiraled down the mountain in pounding and sonorous clomps. 

Now jump! Like a dolphin breaking out of the water, he'd kick his feet into the air, his torso shimmying, his hands waving high and clapping. Convulsing. 

Okay. Let's walk now.

Giddy. Exhausted. Thighs throbbing and head pounding. Red faced and shining.

I bought us some water on the road. 

The guys milling around the shop called to Steve. Call that blanc. Call her. Hey, blanc. Hey.

Steve turned to me, he looked curiously back at them. 

Where, he exclaimed!

There! There, with you! Her!

What, Steve said? Who?

Her! The blanc! With you!

What? Steve said?

Her?

No! You liar!

That's izabet! 

And off we ran.

Two of my best friends

Oh, Lord.

I saw a mother who only had one chick. I saw a calf, tied to a telephone pole. 

I saw a graveyard. Cracked and crumbling. Overtaken by weeds, caving into the earth.

The most beautiful turtle dove drawings. Angels. Wild colors, and graffiti, etched onto aging walls. 

A vacant tomb arched it's back towards the sky. 

Oil spills on half paved roads, and rusting machinery, dying in the background.

Decaying cinder blocks and moss covered walls.

Smoldering piles of ash that burn your nostrils and sear your skin. 

Tombs turning back into earth. 

How life does go on, you know?

Everything broken. 

Everything, part of it all.

Everything, together.

And how life does go on,

You know? 

Black out

Sometimes, in the night

In port au prince, the music comes from everywhere.

Compa and Ra-Ra. Gospel and hip hop. Techno beats drone and reggae bounces from cinder block street bars.

The roosters squall and packs of dogs course through the black hills behind us. They scream.

Voices of praise ring out. One voice with a microphone and a raging chorus. They offer up their lungs to God.

They sing as if they could give their very selves up to God. 

I sat on the balcony. In the still of it all.

In the quiet of my mind,

In all of the noise.

Of the living.

There is a blackout in port au prince tonight. 

The music seems to crawl up from the depths of creation.

I once asked one of the boys why there was a celebration going on in our neighborhood, and he told me they were celebrating the light. 

When was the last time that light was an opportunity to give thanks to god and be joyful.

When was the last time that anything was?