are you just having

'so, how is it, you know...down there..is it o.k?'

'what an experience, are you just having so much fun?'

'wow, good for you.'

'God bless you. That's just amazing.'

And no, I don't mean to belittle any of these statements. I don't want to sound ungrateful. For the support, or the encouragement. The blessings, in all their forms, have been greatly appreciated, and important.

And yes, I am having fun. But no, nothing about this. is ok. And I'm not amazing.

This. This place.

my being here.

these people. the pain. the difficulties.

life is so difficult here.

and that is not to diminish the joy or the wonder.

it isn't to take away from the splendor of existence,
and the raw and unintelligible feeling of being alive.

But I feel small. I feel selfish. I feel hurt.

That's what it is. My feelings feel hurt. All the time.

That it is happening to them. That this is happening to me.

The questions. The what ifs and the whys. The doubt and the broken.

The unknown.

the witnessed, the experienced, and the felt.