Change

I hate change. If you know me, you know that I don't do well with transition.

And I'm not brave.

What I am, is stubborn.

Stubborn, and willful.

I think about going to the Ashland berry farm haunted hayride with my father. Terrified, I dreaded stepping into those damned haunted houses and running through those woods. I distinctly remember forcing my father through a door first, my face buried in his shirt, and refusing to let go, in spite of hindering both of our abilities to escape the terror.

I think about going to bonnaroo with my dad the year I graduated highschool, so sick with Lymes disease I could barely see straight. But I wasn't going to miss a minute.

And the examples go on. Roller coasters at the state fair, because I don't want to fear them, and horror movies in the theatre, so that I don't turn them off.

I pressure myself to be braver.

And, I want to be someone, who travels. Who is adventurous. I love the idea of that person.

I love adventure.

But I'm often afraid. Worrisome. If you will.

So, I live in Haiti.

I wanted to, and I can.

I am someone, who can live in Haiti.

And I absolutely love it here.

Now, faced with the opportunity to move back to Richmond and enter into a new job, I'm frozen.

I'm sad, and I'm scared.

Change.

And I feel stuck.

Can coming back to richmond really be as scary as moving to Haiti?

Can leaving Haiti break my heart?

And how do we know. Where to go.

I was scared to go to college, when I hated my first semester but refused to transfer.

Scared to move to Spain by myself when I had my heart broken.

Scared when I stood in the doorway of St.Joseph's in port au prince, and watched every person that I knew drive away.

But in all things that I want, I can dig my heels in.

I can stick it out.

It's not the doing that scares me.

It's the knowing.

I don't know. If I should stay in Haiti.
Or accept this job in Richmond.

I'm not scared of the doing, I'm scared of the not doing.

I think leaving Haiti might break my heart, but this opportunity is calling to me. And it seems like it could be time to take another step.

To dig in my heels, and be braver than I am.

I just never figured, in a thousand years, that the brave step could be Richmond.

But Haiti or Richmond.

Change is inevitable.

And hopefully for the better.

I just pray it's for the better.

How do you know, when you pray, what is fear, and what is right.

At night, I pray about moving back to Richmond and I cry. I don't want to leave Haiti.

But I'm not sure I'm supposed to stay.

Lord, I pray for you to guide my steps. Quell my fears, and in all things, let me trust in you. Don't let me leave if I shouldn't. And don't let me stay, just because I want to.